Archive | January, 2012

HSG This Friday!!!

30 Jan

CD 3 today. I went to the doc this afternoon (I love him!) and he scheduled my HSG for Friday (CD 7) and a follicle scan on CD 12 next Wednesday.

If both tubes are clear: great! If one is open: he will check which side I ovulate on this month and have us try naturally one last time :). If that doesn’t work: IUI next cycle. If that doesn’t work or if both tubes are closed: IVF in April! I’ve saved the money (3300 euros).

I’m sooooo excited!!! Either way, I’ll know a lot more by Friday @ 2pm (12 noon Eastern time). I forced the IVF talk ’cause he didn’t wanna go there…we MUST remain positive! But I had to know my options. So, 3.5 more days until I know! Good or bad: there’s still much hope left.

Some recent pics of us below: 🙂

Truly Yours,

Kristel Klear

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Getting Out

20 Jan

The last time I had to get out, I had to go through a very emotional process…alone. I wrote a 7-page letter on my laptop to my ex. I would never even print, let alone send it. It was just so I could get all the feelings out of my heart and onto the laptop, into the atmosphere, where it would later evaporate. It worked, mainly because I was painfully honest and I wrote down every painful detail…stuff I’ve never told anyone…maybe I never will. Every humiliation, every lie, every abuse…I put it all out there.

Now I remember that I also had something handwritten. It tore that into so many pieces, went into my backyard and put them into a puddle of water. It quickly became ilegible and I felt a heavy weight lift from my shoulders. I felt no more hurt…I was able to let go of the memories (the good and the bad). I didn’t cry a single tear for him anymore, ever. I felt sorry for him, in fact. He’d lost someone really special. I never really thought about him again. 2 months later, I met my husband in person for the first time.

I think that little rite opened up my heart for a new relationship. I’m not saying life is perfect. I just know that if I’m forced to let go again, I’ll be alright, I’ll survive…

Truly Yours,

Kristel Klear

Startled

18 Jan

A few days ago, I allowed someone to snap a photo of me. I usually let people take pics of me, and often enough. However, I don’t every look at them right away and they don’t give a full view of my body. Well, this time, I asked to see the pic as soon as it was taken and I fell back into my chair! It’s like my thights came out of nowhere and blew up like two elongated balloons! I realized I had to get my ass back into shape. The picture was so bad, I had to delete it off my sister’s camera without her knowing. I gotta get back on the bike, people! Two years ago, I looked so good. I was really satisfied with my body, inside and out. Meeting my husband (and infertility) caused me to fall back, get comfortable and lose my focus, as a result. I seriously can’t allow this to get worse. Stay tuned for a serious change, folks!

Truly Yours,

Kristel Klear

“A” for Effort

17 Jan

Do I pretend that I’m pregnant, so that I can make myself completely anxious for at least another week (I’m supposed to be 5 dpo as of the 17th) OR, do I pretend I’m not (more like, REFUSE to believe I am) and still die of worry for another week (just in case I am)??? Gosh, no matter how you slice it, this two-week-wait is just the hardest!

The only think keeping me sane is the fact that we absolutely tried our best to conceive during my ovulation window. I can’t say with absolute certainty WHEN I ovulated, but my cycles are pretty regular (27-28 days), even after the surgery. As soon as my period finished, hubby and I were on the case! My last menstrual period started on December 30th. We had intercourse on the nights of Jan. 4th and 6th. There was an early morning rendezvous on the 7th and mid-afternoon romp on the 9th. The night of the 10th was filled with romance (need I say more). The 12th (our big day) was a double-header, first in the afternoon and then late that night. We spent a lazy (or not so lazy) Saturday morning in bed (wink, wink) and capped the weekend off with wine and baby-dancing on Sunday night. Monday morning….well, if we capped the weekend off, we had to celebrate the beginning of the new week, right? All in all, it was a beautiful 10 or so days of marital fun! No matter when I ovulated (within a 5-day window around the 12th), I should be MORE than covered.

Hubby was as thrilled as I to spend our time in such a manner, not so much because I was ovulating, but because he was just in THAT kind of mood for the last two weeks. Could it be that he experienced some “ovulation-sympathy-syndrome”, not unlike when husbands/partners experience pregnancy symptoms along with the mommy-to-be? Or was he just…let’s just use the term “excited”, shall we?

In either case, now we can sit back, relax and pray that our efforts paid off…well, it didn’t take much effort to have a good time, but you know what I mean. The rest is up to the LorT (as Madea would say). Please join me in my prayers for a BFP this month!

Truly Yours,

Kristel Klear

Dear Future Baby

17 Jan

Dear Future Baby,

When I think of what it will feel like to hold you in my arms for the first time, I get so emotional. That’s one reason why I only delve into my fantasies of you when I’m alone, or at least, in a comfortable place.

I imagine you with dark skin and curly hair and your dad’s cute lips. The rest is really up to God! Aww…heck, what do I care? I just wanna meet you one day. As far as I know, you don’t exist yet at the moment (I should have ovulated a few days ago), but I long to see my belly growing, knowing you’re tucked safely inside, until you’re ready to make your grand entrance!

You’ll probably be born via C-section…that’s the plan anyway; God decides, after all. Not to be morbid, but I hope I get to meet you and know you long before something like death gets in the way. I know it sounds crazy, but these are the thoughts that go through my head everyday.

This is my 20th cycle of hope, my 20th month wishing for you. Cycles 17 and 18, I took a forced break…during the time that I had to remove a fibroid that was taking up residence where you should be! So, you know I had to evacuate that sucker right?! Every month since June of 2010, I’ve felt those fluttering sensations at just the right time to make me think it’s you, but every month, I get disappointed when I realize that it was just my imagination. The mind is tricky sometimes. But without hope, we’d have nothing to hold onto.

You should see your dad’s beautiful smile when I seem to get these fake symptoms. He gets so hopeful every time I feel something that could be the beginnings of you. If you come, you’ll see both of our smiles everyday, we promise. I don’t know you, but I love you already. I promise to care for you and provide everything I possibly can for you. No one will ever love you as much as your dad and I will. We just want you here already!

It gets so stressful sometimes that we argue about little, crazy things that really shouldn’t matter. But we always make up pretty fast, because the love is there and it’s real and it’s not going anywhere. By the time you’re old enough to read and understand this, diapers will be a long-forgotten memory, I’m sure. But right now, that’s where all my focus lies. Don’t worry: I’ll be writing to you at every milestone. If we are also blessed with more children, I’ll write to them too. You’ll always know just how much you are wanted and loved.

Love, Mom and Dad.

Truly Yours,

Kristel Klear

Chasing Cars

16 Jan

In December 2006, I was going through one of the most painful times of my life. I’d suffered my share of disappointments before that, though. At the age of 14, I’d gone through my first painful menstrual period after enjoying 3 blissful years of pain-free menstruation. At the age of 16, my first break-up tore me to pieces, but with me being so young, I picked myself up completely within 3 months.

Nothing major occurred again until something completely unexpected hit me at the age of 25. By then, I was ready to settle down and my current boyfriend seemed to fit the bill perfectly. We’d been together for 8 wonderful months by the time December of 2006 rolled around. That’s when he announced (during an argument, no less) that he had a 1-month old daughter, obviously conceived shortly before we met. The problem was: there was an entire pregnancy (and birth!) hidden from me! Oh, the shock…I could hardly believe what I was hearing. It took about an hour to sink in that this was no joke!

The pain hit me like a Mack truck, over and over again. My heart physically ached and I thought I had heart problems (seriously). My insides seemed to spin around and upside down. I was a mess and I had no one to turn to, because my aunt had warned me that she’d had a feeling that he had secrets. I was totally humiliated and embarrassed to tell anyone, which made the pain worse. I visited another aunt in the weekends, so I wouldn’t have to face the first one. It’s a wonder aunt #2 didn’t notice…but come to think of it, she was very busy getting her nursing degree at the time. I was, again, too embarrassed to bring my little old problem (the end of my world) to her.
Once at her house, I used to lock myself into the downstairs bathroom, sit on the floor behind the door and cry my eyes out (literally). I had an mp3 player with me at all times and I would sit in the bathroom and listen to “Chasing Cars” by Snow Patrol. It was the opposite “soundtrack” to what my life had temporarily turned into. It gave me hope for the future…made me believe that happy days would return. I comforted myself with taking care of aunt #2’s son (who happens to be my god-son). At the time, he was 3 years old and the center of my existence. I leaned on this little child for comfort and my love for him helped me to heal.

I could have seriously failed my finals that semester, but I did really well, in spite of my hurt, perhaps because of it. The pain stayed long enough for me to never have a chance at forgetting it.

I’ve healed, and although I can still remember the pain, I can no longer recreate it and feel it like before. I’ve learned along the way that nothing in life is guaranteed, even my marriage now to a good guy. The floor can fall out from under you at any moment. Learn to enjoy what you have at the moment and never look back. The future will take care of itself.

Truly Yours,

Kristel Klear

HSG Moved to Next Month

3 Jan

So, I went in to see the doc today and he was still a bit nervous about ordering an HSG just 8 weeks after my myomectomy. So, it’s postponed until after my next period. According to my calculations, I’d do it on the 5th of February (about 10 days after AF starts). Not too bad, right? Considering I’ve waited over 1 1/2 years already.

The only thing that salved my disappointment was that he’d be doing the HSG instead of sending me to another hospital. I was so relieved! In addition, he will do a ultrasound to check my ovaries a few days after to see which side I’ll be ovulating on (which side will show a ripening follicle). If the corresponding tube is clear, this will give us an idea of my chances at conceiving that month.

In the meantime, we’ll be trying ‘au naturale’ again this month. I’ll be charting too…just won’t know what side I’m ovulating on. Not a bad deal, though, especially if successful.

Truly Yours,

Kristel Klear